My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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