My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
