i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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