so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Randomize
