Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
