I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
