my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
