Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
