I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
