I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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