im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
