We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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