When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
