i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
