the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
