I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
