I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
