Im at strip club and am horny
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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