so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
