Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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