I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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