He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
