Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
