So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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