You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
