So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
40s are totally the cure
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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