he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
