You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
