Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
