apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
