I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
