I think my fart just growled at me.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
being pregnant is like rehab
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
