Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
