I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
