We're like a lot better than the average bears
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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