i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
