weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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