woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
