1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
