when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
