Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
