the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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