Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
