I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
