you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
