You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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