You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
