i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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