So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
