Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
