ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
