Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Help. Why am I so naked?
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