im drinking this country out of the recession.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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